With our children now all out of the house, my main mode of parenting has basically been relegated to being a breathing, clothed ATM.
My mode of parenting before was basically the same – minus the ATM, and clothed, part.
But, groveling for money from your parents ain’t what it used to be. A lot has changed since my father would grimace as he reached into his back pocket for his wallet that was the size and weight of an anvil.
It’s mostly done electronically now through cash apps and payment services like Venmo. The thing that I like about Venmo is that when you pay someone using Venmo, it stresses (to the point of annoyance) that you share “What’s this for?” Basically, what are you sending this money for?
I see this as an opportunity (really, attempt) for high comedy.
Most of the time, I Venmo (I proclaim it a verb) them for mundane items, like money for groceries or a parking ticket. But Venmo, and the other people who can see what you are sending money for (but not how much), don’t have to know that.
Listed below are actual Venmo “What’s this for?” remarks from myself to my children over the past year.
Looking over them, I found that I repeat myself a great deal, seem to have a fetish for Look-a-Like contests, down payments, and odd lessons, and use the same joke over and over, mostly about Look-a-Like contests. Feel free to steal.
So, in 2025, I transferred cash through Venmo for:
• Cat milking lessons
• Donation for Stop the Hiccups! Fundraiser
• Entry fee for Steve Urkel Look-a-Like Contest
• Murder Down Payment
• Loan for chipmunk rifle
• Monthly payment on EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle
• Admission to Diseased Monkey Petting Zoo
• For your Skittles allergy medicine
• For ‘Gimme a Break’ Nell Carter action figure
• Your neutering and spaying
• Pair of shoes made from panda skin
• For your trench mouth medication
• Varmint catchin’ machine
• Subscription to Cat Fancy magaine
• Down payment on flamethrower
• Lambada lessons
• Honduran Pizza Kit
• Grand Prize for Tickle Contest
• Takeout Viking food
• Helping me get my hand out of Pringles can
• Entrance fee for Armpit Noise Contest
• Ransom for kidnapped penguin
• Left-handed Ukelele lessons
• Down payment on robot/butler
• Elbow removal surgery
• 'Hey, Arnold!' action figures
• 4th place, Anthony Davis Look-a-Like Contest
• Winnings from Raccoon Fights
• 2nd place, Son o’ the Month Prize
• 2nd place: Rock, Paper, Scissors Tournament
• Back Scratching Competition
• Daughter of the Month (2nd place)
• 2nd Place, Biz Markie Looka- Like Contest
• Left-handed monkey wrench loan
• Down payment on butt whooping
• Varmint catchin’ machine
• Subscription to Cat Fancy magaine
• payment on flamethrower
• Lambada lessons
• Honduran Pizza Kit
• Grand Prize for Tickle Contest
• Left-handed rake
• Monkey ear cleaner
• Application fee for nunnery
• 2nd Place award - Chester A. Arthur Look-a-Like Contest How many look-a-like contests are my kids in? Geez, enough already.
• Len Robbins is the editor of The Clinch County News. He can be reached at lrobbins@ clinchcounty news
