Oneida Oliver-Sanders reflects on coping with daughter Sgt. Kennedy Sanders’ death
EDITORS NOTE: The long-running tradition of the Waycross Journal-Herald is to honor a mother for Mothers Day. This year, the Journal- Herald is paying tribute to every mother who has lost a child. Our prayers are with those as well as all mothers. Happy Mothers Day from our family at Head Publishing, LLC.
It has been more than a year since Sgt. Kennedy Sanders, who was deployed with her U.S. Army Reserve unit to the kingdom of Jordan, died in the line of duty January 28, 2024.
“April 28 made it 15 months,” says Kennedy’s mother, Oneida Oliver-Sanders, “I don’t have it down to the day, hour and minute, but I notice the 28th of every month. It happened on a Sunday, so every Sunday that rolls around, I feel it too.”
That feeling Oliver-Sanders refers to is the distinct agony of a mother who has lost a child. As Mothers Day approaches, community focus is often on cards and flowers or being served breakfast in bed.
Tragically, some local mothers like Oliver-Sanders have to cope with a face remembered but no longer seen on that special day — or any day.
“Nobody can give me what I really want for Mothers Day,” Oliver-Sanders says with raw honesty. “But just to be surrounded and supported by my family is everything.”
She leans on that support more some days than others, saying, “In my family, when I hurt, everyone takes a protective stance around me. Some don’t express their grief, because different dynamics come with grief, so they protect me instead.”
On other days, she feels strong and determined, taking comfort in day-to-day activities and memories of the strong, determined daughter who is now gone.
“I sheltered my children a lot, always trying to protect them, and she broke out of that,” said Oliver-Sanders. “Joining the Army was not something I ever envisioned for her, but she wasn’t afraid. She was very adventurous and liked experiencing new things.”
Some might say, Oliver-Sanders could find comfort or consolation from still having Kennedy’s twin brother, perhaps seeing some of the daughter in the son.
“People might think that, because they were twins, but they were like night and day, very different. Each child has their own personality,” she said.
Where Oliver-Sanders does find some comfort is in recognizing others who’ve gone through what she is now experiencing — the pain of losing one’s child is unique and different to each bereaved mother.
But, because other women before her have survived it, she knows she can survive it too.
“I think about my grandmother,” said Oliver-Sanders. “She lost two of her children before she passed, so you’re always thankful for the ones you still have. You hold onto them.”
Where does the love formerly reserved for the lost child go? What do you do with the grief? What advice does she have for other grieving mothers?
“You have to find that silver lining,” said Oliver-Sanders, “You try to keep going, to work through it.”
One such silver lining took the form of Angel Moms of Waycross. A branch of the Sgt. Kennedy Ladon Sanders Foundation established in her fallen daughter’s name, Oliver-Sanders and other local mothers who’ve lost children gather every other Tuesday for group therapy.
Special events and activities also provide an outlet for a love that still persists — and always will.
“Sadly, we add new members all the time — mother’s losing their children. Loss is loss, but the loss of a child is different,” says Oliver-Sanders. “But to have other women there who’ve walked that path before can help.”
Oliver-Sanders finds relief, even a kind of peace in her work with Angel Moms of Waycross.
“By nature or by nurture, I’m a servant,” she says, “so helping others is something I instilled in my children. Kennedy used to volunteer and did community service, so me continuing to do that honors her.”
The community response in the wake of her daughter’s death also helped give meaning to the sudden loss. Seeing purple ribbons tied outside local homes and businesses, reading the posts on social media celebrating her daughter, let Oliver-Sanders know even as she grieved, her child was being celebrated and honored.
“That really helped us tremendously,” she said. “At first, I didn’t realize it when it happened, the respect and appreciation the community had for our soldiers. I see her as my daughter, but other people see her as a hero.”
When asked if she had a particular favorite photo or keepsake of Kennedy, something that conjures up her face or voice, a warmth comes into Oliver-Sanders’s voice.
“The thing about this generation is they’re always recording themselves” she said. “I can always look back at numerous pictures and videos she took of herself.”
Far from seeing it as a failing of young people, Oliver-Sanders sees the benefit of such extensive recordings.
“It’s important to document people’s lives. Always take a picture or video. You never know if it will be the last,” Oliver-Sanders said.
Those pictures and videos became an important lifeline. Recalling the early days of her grieving process, Oliver-Sanders spoke of how she became fixated upon a picture of Kennedy in her casket and the somber effect it had upon her, almost intensifying the sorrow.
The remedy was in those videos of her daughter playing around, smiling and carefree.
“It helped me to see her laughing and having fun,” she said. “That’s how she really was.”
Keeping that memory alive has become more important than ever to Oliver-Sanders. Acknowledging everyone grieves differently, she says some don’t talk about it because maybe they’re afraid of the pain.
Oliver-Sanders admits she didn’t want to talk at first, but she now understands “you have to acknowledge it.” In the physical absence of Kennedy, she says, “we keep her spirit and her name alive in our family.”
Which isn’t to say it doesn’t still sometimes hurt. Every week has a Sunday. Every month has a 28th day.
“People say time brings about healing, but I haven’t seen it yet,” the mother says. “It’s still too close for me. I know that will change eventually.”
Until then, Oliver-Sanders will take comfort in the family she holds close and helping other bereaved mothers like herself seek understanding — and one day, closure.
If you or someone you know is a mother coping with the loss of a child, Oneida Oliver-Sanders would welcome a call at (912) 990-7051 or suggests visiting The Sgt. Kennedy Ladon Sanders Foundation, Inc. page on Facebook to connect with other Angel Moms of Waycross.
Sgt. Kennedy Sanders and her mother, Oneida Oliver-Sanders share a daughter-mother moment. FAMILY PHOTO
