When not mired in justice and stuff, our courts can be as wacky and comical as any situation comedy. Remember “Night Court”? Like that, except funny.
A bored reader forwarded me these actual quotes a while back, taken down word for word by smirking court reporters from around the country.
Your honors, I present my case: Judge: “Well sir, I have reviewed this case and I’ve decided to give your wife $77 a week.”
Husband: “That’s fair, your honor. I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.
***
Question: What is your date of birth?
Answer: July 15th. Question: What year? Answer: Every year.
***
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.
***
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
***
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
***
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
***
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
***
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
***
Q: The youngest son, the 20year old, how old is he?
***
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
***
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
***
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
***
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
***
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
***
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
***
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
***
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
I rest my case.
• Len Robbins is the editor of The Clinch County News. He can be reached at lrobbins@clinchcounty news
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