Reading is the gateway to knowledgitity.
I try to read whenever I can – while I’m at home, while I’m at work, while I’m eating, while I’ m sleeping, while I’m showering, and I used to particularly enjoy reading while driving.
Unfortunately, I am now no longer legally allowed to read a newspaper or novel while driving a vehicle. Thanks, Obamacare.
But there is nothing in our draconian laws that prevents me from reading bumper stickers while driving, to my knowledge, which is now rather meager since I can’t read dictionaries while driving. So take that declaration for what it’s worth (nothing).
From my reading, I’ve found that bumper stickers fall into three categories: Stupid, funny or stupider.
Recently, one of my institutionalized readers forwarded a list of interesting and/or insipid bumper stickers for my enjoyment. I have added some that I have seen while reading and driving.
Enjoy (or don’t):
• “I Was An Honor Student. I Don’t Know What Happened.”
• “Watch Out For the Idiot Behind Me.”
• “If You Drink, Don’t Park. Accidents Cause People.”
• “If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.”
• “If You Can Read This, I’m Not Surprised. Most People Can Read.”
• “If At First You Don’t Succeed, Blame Someone Else.”
• “There’s a Gator in this Ford!” (as seen on a late-model Chevy.)
• “ Jesus Loves You. But Everyone Else Thinks You’re A Jerk.”
• “If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.”
• “If You Object To Logging, Try Using Plastic Toilet Paper.”
• “It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.”
• “I Have The Body Of A God – Buddha.”
• “Be Nice to Americans Or We’ll Bring Democracy to your Country.”
• “If We Quit Voting, Will They Go Away?”
• “Eat Right. Exercise. Die Anyway.”
• “Illiterate? Honk Your Horn.”
• “Cover Me – I’m Changing Lanes.”
• “He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.”
• “My Baby Daddy Was Inmate of the Month!”
• “I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.”
• “You! Out of the Gene Pool!”
• “Honk If Anything Falls Off.”
• “Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed for 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH.”
• “Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge.” (Why would this be on a bumper sticker?)
• “If Walking Is So Good For You, Why Is My Mailman Fat?”
• “Boldly Going Nowhere.”
• “Caution: Driver Legally Blonde.”
• “My Other Car Is Also A Piece Of Crap.”
• “How Many Roads Must Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?”
• “Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beer Holder.”
• “My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.”
• “I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?”
• “Be Nice To Your Kids – They’ll Choose Your Nursing Home.”
Maybe I need to get one that says: “Not Drunk. Just Reading Bumper Stickers.”
• Len Robbins is the editor of The Clinch County News. He can be reached at lrobbins@clinchcounty news
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