Today, as part of my one-man crusade to save the world, I will explain how to artfully avoid a potentially embarrassing situation that we have all experienced. And when I say “we,” I mean probably only me.
Here’s the situation: You call someone by the wrong name.
Sometimes, such a faux pas can be hilarious – like when you mess up on your wedding vows by saying, “I take you, (old girlfriend’s name), to be my wedfully awful wife,” or when you accidently call your boss by his unbeknownst-to-him nickname of “Napoleon Skinflint.”
Everyone gets a kick out of those types of gaffes and hearty guffaws are had by all.
But, other times, mislabeling a person can get downright ugly, and that’s when you need to take the proper courses to escape embarrassment. I am providing three such courses, which I have named “Solution #1”, “Solution #2”, and “Mickey.”
Here’s what to do: Solution #1 – The best way to explain Solution #1 is to give an example. Say you’re at some type of social function, or a cockfight, and you see an older, distinguished lady.
“Hey, Mrs. Huffnagle, my, that’s a lovely shade of green you’re wearing this evening. Put some holes in it and you’d look like a pool table.”
“Young man, I am not Mrs. Huffnagle.”
At this point, you must make a conscious effort not to react at all, but rather stare intently at an object behind and to the right of the woman you thought to be Mrs. Huffnagle.
Then say, “Why, I’m sorry, I was partially-blinded in a lemon-eating incident recently, and by the illuminating, angelic glow that surrounded you, I thought you to be Mrs. Huffnagle. Please accept my sincerest apologies.”
If conversation follows, just go with the flow. But make sure that you keep staring behind her and to the right, and for good effect, trip over a coffee table or a lamp or something as you leave.
If she mentions the “lovely shade of green” remark and questions how you could see that, start coughing profusely, bend over, and hobble away.
Solution #2 is simple. It’s much like Solution #1, except that it’s different in a lot of ways.
Under Solution #2, if you are caught calling someone by the wrong name, slowly lift your hands over your head, start sobbing, and run in the opposite direction as fast as you can, making sure to flail your arms as you run.
I know – flailing is hard – but to escape these types of awkward moments, you have to go the extra mile.
“Mickey” is for those special dummies like myself, who can remember a face from 40 years ago, but rarely a name to go with it.
Under “Mickey,” you forego the use of names – first, middle, last – altogether. Everyone is “pal” or “dude” or “girl” or, my personal favorite, “chief.” As in, “Hey, Chief, how are you doing, today?” Or “Good to see you, girl.” Or “Hey, pal, you’re blocking my view of the TV.”
I’ve found that the best way to avoid potentially embarrassing situations is to avoid potentially embarrassing situations – which “Mickey” accomplishes.
You may now go back into the world of social interactions with fellow human beings with the confidence to elude embarrassment. You’re welcome.
• Len Robbins is the editor of The Clinch County News. He can be reached at lrobbins@clinchcounty news
