Okay, enough is enough and I have had enough. I have had to endure watching lawless thugs firebomb buildings and claiming we need to defund the police. And another bunch of lawless thugs calling themselves “patriots” while inciting a riot in the United States Capitol. And don’t forget a bunch of kids doing their best Taliban imitation by tearing down statues they don’t like, proving that those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it.
In all of the above cases, I consider the source and none of them are worth the time and effort I have just expended talking about them. But now, things in this world have gotten a bit too up-close-and-personal.
I read recently that a number of restaurants will no longer have meat on their menus. Not only that, but schools and universities are beginning to promote “climate-friendly” meals – code words for “don’t eat meat.” Don’t eat meat? Are you kidding me?
Where’s the beef? The politically-correct crowd says it’s the cows’ fault. When they eat grass and feed (the cows, not the politically-correct crowd), their digestive systems ferment the contents. That fermentation turns into methane. Methane is a greenhouse gas, said to be 25 times more powerful than carbon dioxide. Cows burp the methane out. (You have to admit it beats the alternative.) The do-gooders say all that burping contributes to global warming. Don’t eat meat and – voila! – no more burping cattle.
If cows could talk as well as they can burp, they would probably ask if they are responsible for global warming, why did most of Texas freeze over earlier this year? A lot of cattle happen to live and burp there. Also, burping is considered a sign of appreciation in China and India, where there are a lot more people than cattle. You don’t see the Birkenstock crowd criticizing them. Those are excellent points. Cows can make a lot of sense.
In fact, I would trust a cow before I would Bill Gates. It seems the little dweeb had been busy encouraging everybody around the world to give up eating beef. I have a feeling this issue may not be at the top of Bill’s to-do list at the moment News media have reported he had an affair with a Microsoft employee and also was alleged to have been hanging around with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Now, wife Melinda Gates is giving him the boot. Cows must be laughing their heads off and hoping he is eating crow and burping a lot.
It isn’t enough that our bovine friends are being blamed for melting all the icebergs in Antarctica, they are also accused of being bad for our health, as well. A recent poll said 58% of people surveyed think we would be healthier if we ate more fruits and vegetables and less meat. I must have been out when they called.
Another study claims vegetarians live almost 8 years longer than meat eaters. If that means 8 years of more broccoli and tofu burgers and fewer sides of barbecued ribs, beam me up now, Scotty.
By the way, a vegan diet generally lacks Vitamin B12, an important vitamin for proper brain function. Left ignored, it can lead to delusions, such as thinking pine nuts taste better than a medium rare filet smothered in peppercorn sauce. I need to do a bit more study on the subject but I think a lack of B12 can also cause one to firebomb buildings, tear down statues and/or put on buffalo heads and go desecrate the U.S. Capitol.
While futurists claim that global meat sales will decline by a third over the next two decades, U.S. consumption of beef is actually up and has been going up since 2015. Last year, we consumed almost 56 pounds of red meat per person.
Modestly, I have tried to do my part, thanks to Carla who runs the Yarbrough household and all that is within it. Let it be known that Carla could sauté a tin can and make you want to come back for seconds.
We are great team. She cooks it, I eat it. I don’t foresee the day anytime soon when Carla will be feeding me organic Brazil nuts with avocado vinaigrette dressing. Instead, she sees to it that I get my regular daily allowance of Vitamin B12, zinc, selenium, iron, niacin and all that other stuff a growing boy needs. Where’s the beef? On my backyard grill, of course. Burp!
• Dick Yarbrough is a four-time winner of the Best Humor Column by the Georgia Press Association. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.