Jason Deal

My auto warranty has expired.

I didn’t know that, until a long stretch recently, when I have been getting calls morning, noon and night on my home phone and cell phone.

Yes, I still have a home phone. Up where I live, cell service was slow to improve and high- speed internet is a distant dream, so I kept it. Besides, I have my Grandma’s old number from way back in the party line days. It just didn’t seem right to let it go. Somehow or another, the auto warranty folks found my home number. Maybe someone on the party line told them.

The calls on my expired auto warranty come from Michigan, Texas, Ohio and Pennsylvania. I am familiar with those places from geography class. I flew into Dallas, Texas, going to see my sister and her family in Colorado a few years back. I haven’t been to any of the other places.

I tended to follow my Grandma’s advice when she said the world dropped off steep above the Altamaha.

She knew it went further than that, because she had a sister who lived in New Jersey and she once went to see the Grand Ol’ Opry in Nashville, but she figured she was probably close to the edge of the world.

Anyway, the folks at the auto warranty place tell me that I need to call them, give them my social security number and a great big check to keep my warranty in place, so that in the event my vehicle develops catastrophic car problems, I will be covered.

They tell me they have my file on their desks and I need to call back as soon as I can.

I thought these folks would know if they were looking at my file.

I just bought a car about a year ago. My vehicle has performed well. I haven’t had any problems with it. I am well pleased with it.

I even managed to make it through the car buying process with my sanity intact (mostly).

I despise the car buying process. I would rather have a toothache, two boils and an ingrown toenail than experience such a thing.

Oh, my car does talk to me and tell me to take the steering wheel. And, when my parents are with me and Mama is sitting in the back seat, it has told me to check and make sure she is out of the vehicle.

She has yelled at it and told it she is out of the back seat, thank you very much.

 My point is (and I do have one) I am not interested in all that mumbo jumbo.

My way of thinking about such things is very simple. If I want chocolate chip cookies (and I do), I go to the store or the bakery and get some. If I am hungry, I go to a restaurant and order fried chicken, which is the way God intended chicken to be prepared. Sometimes, I even go through the drive thru and speak to the talking box. If my shoes’ soles are about to come off (and they are), I go and buy some.

If you auto warranty folks are listening (or reading), please listen closely.

Don’t call me. I’ll call you.

• Jason Deal is the news editor for The Blackshear Times. Reach him at jdeal@blacksheartimes.news.