Len Robbins

You know what they say happens when you assume?

Yeah, me neither. But it must be bad, or at least, unfair.

For instance, the other day, my wife accused me of being sexist.

I was lying on the couch, minding my own business, when the ridiculous accusation was hurled.

She asked me to do something. At that moment, I was very busy, embroiled in a special TNT presentation of “The Shawshank Redemption.” It’s physically impossible for me not to watch the last 45 minutes of that movie if I happen to catch it. Cinema has never produced a better 45 minutes.

I think she asked me to vacuum. Somebody was coming over – probably the guy who sprays for bugs.

After one, or maybe four, reminders, she had enough.

“You don’t want to do this because you think this is women’s work,” she asserted, hands on hips. “That’s sexist. This isn’t women’s work. This is house work. And you live in this house.”

While her qualm did have some legitimacy (I do live in the house, technically), her assumption about my motivation, or lack thereof, was way off the mark.

I educated her.

“I don’t have a problem with women’s work,” I said calmly. “I have a problem with work – period.

“I don’t like it. I don’t like men’s work. I don’t like women’s work. I don’t like monkey work,” I continued, trying not to spill the drink resting comfortably on my tummy. “I’m not one bit sexist. I’m just lazy. And there is nothing I can do about it.”

I can’t speak for all men, but every man in the world is inherently lazy. Some are just better at hiding it than others. Being an inherently honest person, I don’t hide it, unless I need to in order to gain some type of advantage or favor.

Sure, some of us work. And some of us work a whole 40 hours a week (who was the idiot who came up with that number?). But unless we’re getting paid real cash money, men just don’t want to get up and do a bunch of stuff. Life is simply too short to waste working when I could be watching “Smokey and the Bandit” again (Note to self: Market that last sentence as a bumper sticker).

So, ladies, spouses of all flavors, when you ask your husband or man in your life or spouse or yard boy or employee to do something, and they ignore you or roll their eyes or hem and haw (I love hawing), try to be understanding.

Any effort to work goes against their body’s physiology. It’s science not at work. They find it difficult. This affliction, like allergies, is seasonal, flaring up at certain times of the year – most often football and hunting season.

It’s not that they don’t love you or want to help you, or want the house to be clean when the maid comes. It’s just in their nature, like the color of their eyes, or male-pattern baldness, or rabies. They simply can’t help it.

But look at the bright side – at least they’re not sexist.

• Len Robbins is editor of The Clinch County News. Email him at lrobbins@theclinchcountynews.com.