Because this column runs across the state on different days of the week depending on where you may happen to be, some of you will be reading this before Election Day, on that day or a day or two afterwards. Therefore, I am going to wait on responding to the results until we can all see them at the same time.
As Lady Mary Montgomerie Currie, who wrote under the pseudonym Violet Fane, said in her poem, Tout vient a qui sait attendre: “All things come to those who wait.” (Or it might have been the guy behind me in the checkout line at the hardware store when I was buying birdseed who said that. I’m not sure.)
Anyway, the good news is that once the returns are in, I will be providing you an in-depth analysis of the results in concert with the inimitable Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia.
Not only is Junior E. Lee one of the most highly respected political prognosticators in the business, he is also a pest control professional. That drives the stuck-up weenies at the New York Times crazy. They want us to think they know everything about everything, but the truth is they don’t know a silverfish from a silver spoon.
One of Junior’s most important responsibilities — besides spraying for cow ticks in Arveen Ridley’s barn or rummaging around in Aunt Flossie Felmer’s drawers supposedly looking for fire ants (I really need to talk to him about that) — is overseeing our renowned Round or Square Poll. Our motto: “Give us the dough and we will cook the numbers.” Our results are accurate within a margin of plus or minus a number or two to be named later.
We will not be putting the election results up on Facebook this year because we don’t want to give hackers an opportunity of messing with the numbers. Last year, somebody took our poll and made it look like Russian president Vladimir Putin had been elected governor of North Dakota and Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei the new head of the Portland, Oregon Chamber of Commerce. That was very embarrassing.
We had to apologize to the citizens of North Dakota and to Ali Khamenei. The folks in North Dakota were OK with it but Ali was really miffed. He said he didn’t want to have anything to do with Portland. The place was so dangerous even his suicide bombers won’t go near the place.
Frankly, I wonder how people could be so gullible as to believe whatever they read on Facebook. I am not referring to the dimwits who feel compelled to tell us what they ate for lunch (as if we care) or where they plan to go on vacation (ditto.) I am talking about the empty-headed imbeciles who believe anything and everything the Russians and Iranians put on Facebook and then breathlessly and anonymously tweet it out to other empty-headed imbeciles.
I told Junior I despair for the future. It looks to me like the inmates are running the asylum and I feared these imbeciles could breed and produce more imbeciles. Junior said he understood my frustration but this was not the time to go getting all politically incorrect.
He suggested I rephrase that thought to say the internees were managing a psychiatric facility and instead of imbecile, I might want to refer to these people as intellectually challenged. Say what you will about Junior E. Lee, but he keeps me out of trouble. He is to gauging public opinion what Uncle Ben is to rice — the best.
Junior also suggested I keep things in perspective. My readers — that’s you — aren’t the kind of folks to go around telling strangers what they had for lunch or where they were planning to go on vacation. And you aren’t big on anonymity. When you like or don’t like something I say, you aren’t hesitant to let me know up-close and personal. Junior said you remind him of apis cerana. It is best not to rile you up. (That’s pest control lingo for honeybee. Junior will use any chance he gets to remind us he is pest control professional.)
What you want to know are the facts and that is what we are planning on giving you next week when Junior E. Lee and I unveil our analysis of the election results. Just don’t ask a lot of questions because Junior is going to be anxious to get back to rummaging around in Aunt Flossie Felmer’s drawers. I really need to talk to him about that.
•Dick Yarbrough is a four-time winner of the Best Humor Column by the Georgia Press Association. Reach him at email@example.com or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.